BASIC INFORMATION

NAME : Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION : Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION : Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS : This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT : Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE : Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TORNIQUET : Do not apply a torniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND : This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND : This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE :

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3.This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4.The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.

Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!"

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company.

After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.

One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other womans hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

"Parkinsons!", replied the old man with a smile.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he <excerpt> putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the <excerpt> next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRRIIIIPPP!!!!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE! ! ! To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

  You leave house.
  I watch house.
  He come to house.
  I watch.
  He and she leave house.
  I follow.
  He and she get on train.
  I follow.
  He and she go in hotel.
  I climb tree - look in window.
  He kiss she.
  She kiss he.
  He strip she.
  She strip he.
  He play with she.
  She play with he.
  I play with me.
  Fall out of tree, not see.
  NO FEE.